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Diary extracts part 2



Having the IVF conversation with work

12th October part 2

Outside the clinic with the next steps planned, we’re feeling most positive. It’s a glorious sunny day, we both pick up on work stuff we’ve missed. I immediately call my bosses pa to arrange a call, I miss her, she’ll call back. Reverting back to emails, I see that a meeting has been called for Wednesday, dammit! I won’t be able to do that, I could conference call in though. Fran, the pa, calls me back, Jane has a slot at 16.00 today, great I will call then. Relief that the first move is made and in 2.5 hours I can come clean.

Chris asks if we are doing the right thing, if we only need a day, I could say that I have messed up the flights. He knows how much my career means to me, hence the suggestion. I remind him I will hopefully need to be back out next week for implantation, what will I say then. Besides which messing up the flights would make me look incompetent at work! No, we have discussed it at length, I have resided myself to the fact that I will face whatever comes. The decision is made, and I get Chris’s full support. Probably irrational fears but they are real to me.

Back to my emails and see one from Jane asking for other people to be invited to our meeting on Wednesday, oh no, I need to stop the arrangements. I look at the invitees and realise it is a senior meeting. I call Fran and explain that the reason I need to speak to Jane is because I have a problem with Wednesday. She understands and I feel better that things are on hold until I speak to Jane.

Chris is hungry and fancies some tapas in town. I’m not sure how to point out that we can’t hang around as it is a really hot day and the drugs can’t be exposed to higher than 25c. In the supermarket Chris picks up a pack of 6 beers, I look at him in astonishment and he gives me that ‘what’ look. In 2 days, he will be jizzing in a jar I remind him, he doesn’t see what the problem is at first. I remind him of how far we have come and where we are on our journey. After a little debate Chris agrees that maybe 4 is enough along with the wine he’ll have with dinner! We pay for 4 beers, Pelligrino for me. Chris has forgotten about the tapas and we head back to store the drugs.

Nearly back at the hotel, I am beginning to relax. I voice out loud that ‘we are still in the game and on our journey’ expecting the normal high 5. At which Chris says ‘do you know what you can’t get here but you can in Portugal, fresh fish, boats of it coming in,. We should have sardines!’ Clearly we are not synchronised in our thoughts at this time, I smile, I don’t like fish anyway!

We put the drugs in the safe and decide to head to the pool for a chill out. As we are leaving the room, I remember that the sperm can only be of a certain age for the fertilisation, it’ll be 4 days old by Wednesday. Whilst it might be ok, best not to risk it, better sort it out now. Chris in a very matter of fact mans way, dropped his swimming trunk, with a wry smile and motioned that I may wish to do it for him. It must have been the unprovocative approach used, that made me say that I didn’t fancy doing that and he should carry on. He decides ‘we’ can sort it out tonight but then he will only have 36 hours to create more. Maybe 44 hours would be better, I head to the pool and Chris stays in the room.

At the designated hour, I call Jane, no reply, dammit. I don’t leave a message I will try again. 17.42, I’ll try now.

I am filled with utter relief, Jane was brilliant, extremely supportive, wanted to give me a hug, she asked how I was coping. It’s hard to explain really, work has been a saviour but also, I am strong, very strong. It’s amazing what we are all capable of!

Sure, I have my moments of being down, sometimes it lasts hours, sometimes the sadness creeps up from nowhere but rightly or wrongly I have the ability to put things in a box after a few hours and move on. It’s like I need a couple of hours to process it and take the drama out of the situation. I have the same ability at work, whether it’s a successful sale or a disappointing loss. I move on within a couple of hours to find a new solution, sometimes leaving others around me behind in their feelings. Exactly the same with the IVF journey.

Jane didn’t want to get into the detail of the future, she just wants to get me through now and then we can talk! I love what I do, I’m good at it, can I be good at being a mother and work? I think so!

Fantastic dinner tonight, overlooking the sea, just perfect, nipped into the washrooms to inject at 21.00 as per the instructions. I hit another blood vessel but other than that all good! Going to have a G&T, I think it did me the world of good last night! Sent messages Lou & Nick, my avid support team at home, it’s nice to give them news of a good day!

Bedtime, great G&T overlooking the hotel water features which create several arcs over the oblong pool. Tonight we discovered a buzzer on the table to call the waiter, not sure I like that, feels wrong! Clock watching, at 23.00 it’s time for Ovitrelle, which comes in a pen version. I guess like diabetics use for insulin, doesn’t hurt at all, although I have to do it twice as Chris was convinced there was some left after the first injection. Sleep time now, alarm set for 08.00 ready for the morning drugs.

The day before egg collection

Tuesday 13th

A very simple, relaxing day, it’s raining in Valencia so in the main we’ve sat on the terrace chilling and doing some work. A very low level of discomfort in my lower stomach, my ovaries letting me know they are still working. Really quite reassuring and bizarrely pleasant.

Chris and I go for a walk to look at the large cruise liner than has been brought into the port, however there is a huge port wall stopping us get there. Chris has a great idea that if we climb over the 6ft fence, we can get a better look. At that I walk back to the way we have come, and the penny drops that hawling ourselves over that fence might be a bad idea. The rest of the walk was spent with Chris imagining what it would’ve been like when they had the Grand Prix in Valencia. We were walking along the length of the track at the time, every piece of armacoat railing that we passed, a sure indicator of the racing that had taken place there.

As the evening wore on nerves for tomorrow increased. They will firstly insert a cannula into my hand whilst in my room and then using the lift up a level, I’ll walk into theatre area. I will then take a seat with my half a metre square of cloth between my legs and the anaesthetist will inject me and send me to sleep. It’s those moments of the cannula being inserted and the anaesthetic being put into that are making me feel a little nervous.

We head for a light dinner and plenty of water for me and wine for Chris. Part way through I dissolved the zitromax in a bottle of water that I had taken along. It tasted far worse this time than it had last cycle. Fairly quickly I felt quite sick and certainly wasn’t enjoying the really nice Caesar salad in front of me. We paid our bill and wandered back to the hotel so that I could go to bed, the right decision!

Within minutes of getting in our room I had a poorly tummy and ended up sitting on the toilet for some time. It’s strange how if affected me this time but not the last. Chris commented that it took us longer to shower and get ready than it did to walk to the restaurant, eat and walk back. It’s true but feeling nauseous isn’t for me and to be fair it’s the only time that any of the drugs have had any effect on me so we’ve been really lucky.

So back in for 10 and now I need to either stay awake or set my alarm for my last drugs at midnight and then I fast. I nip on to Facebook, not much of interest on there, look at a couple of houses even though we have decided not to move and then played a few games of solitaire all of which I lost so I must be tired. I’ll set the alarm!

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